erellsworth 16x9

The Quarterly Oppressor: 60 Years of Oppression!

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Yes, lords and ladies, this edition marks the beginning of our 60th year of helping our readers oppress the working masses! I remember my first day here, starting as a low-level whip cracker fresh out high school, armed only with a sense of self-entitlement and the blessed nepotism of my father, ...
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I Thought the Nightmare Was Over but Then Someone Said Happy Holidays

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Now that Christmas 2017 is over, I feel like I can come to grips with what happened to me this year and tell my story. I went to my apartment’s leasing office a few days before Christmas to pick up a package from Amazon. Everything seemed normal. The office was festive enough, appropriately decorated ...
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Tis I, the Malevolent Force Behind the Destruction of Your Childhood

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Hello there “real” Star Wars fan. Tis I, the malevolent Force behind the destruction of your childhood. You can call me Bob for short. Don’t think I haven’t seen your angry reaction to The Last Jedi. I’ve seen your online petitions. I’ve read your angry rants. I’ve watched your ...
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5 Mind-Blowing Spoilers For The Last Jedi


I don’t know what I expected out of The Last Jedi but it wasn’t this. Here are the top 10 things that blew my mind about the latest Star Wars movie, which I have not yet seen. If you think the Ewoks forgot all about the deaths on Endor at the end of Return of the Jedi, you’re mistaken. ...
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Highway Patrol

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I got a star on my car and one on my chest, A gun on my hip and the right to arrest I'm the guy who's the boss on this highway So watch out what you're doin' when you're drivin' my way -Junior Brown Scofflaws. Criminals. Lawbreakers. Call them what you want; I call them scum. I’ve ...
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The Meritocracy

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After discussing the situation with his captain the first mate returned to the deck to inform me of my fate. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but we’re going to have to toss you back in.” “What? Why?” “We can’t allow anyone to stay on this ship who doesn’t deserve to be here.” “How ...
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