The Quarterly Oppressor: Good Slags Are Hard to Find

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Wednesday January 31, 2018

There are many people in this world who suffer from the delusion that they have value and deserve to be treated with respect. The worst of these types believe themselves to be “individuals.” If you make the mistake of employing these people, no amount of oppressive skill or trickery will keep them happy. Luckily there are warning signs you can look for to avoid hiring an “individual” or to get rid of them before their 90-day probationary period expires.

During the Interview:

A common mistake of the novice interviewer is to ask only questions related to the candidate’s professional life. These questions will help you determine the interviewee’s qualifications for the job, but qualifications mean nothing. What really matters is that you won’t have a hard time breaking their spirit.

The quickest way to pick out an “individual” during an interview is this question: “What do you like to do in your free time?” The way a candidate answers this question will tell you everything you need to know. An “individual” will invariably let slip a laundry list of creative hobbies. Unless those hobbies are “watching TV” you should be wary.

This question will also help you weed out anyone with children or other cumbersome family obligations. The last thing you want is one of those “working mothers” on your payroll. (More on this later.)

During the first 90 days:

Even with the most cunning interview strategy, it’s possible for a few of the undesirable “I deserve a living wage” types to slip through that first stage of the gauntlet. Fear not oppressive reader, for God has blessed us with the evaluation period. You have 90 days to determine if your new hire is good slag material, or if you should shovel them out the door like so much horse dung. This practice is just draconian enough to be fun, and common enough that no one will raise an eyebrow at its implement.

During this critical period you should pay close attention to the manner in which the new hire decorates their new surroundings. Keep an eye out for any signs of creative thought, such as drawings, doodles, or any other form of artwork. Photographs are sometimes OK as long as they are limited to the “this is me in front of a place of interest” variety or other simple snapshots.

Watch out for pictures of children. People with children invariably think they deserve special treatment. Children are expensive, so a parent will always feel like they need a raise to “support their family.” They’re also likely to show up late, leave early, or not come in at all, all because of one child-related “emergency” or another. You don’t want your productivity to suffer just because little Billy got his face caught in some piece of farm equipment.

If you are diligent, you should be able to catch on to any potential troublemakers before you waste too much money training them. Happy Hunting!