The Quarterly Oppressor: Buzz Speak, The New BS

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Monday January 29, 2018

Keeping up the appearance of communication is vital to keeping the slags happy and productive. But as any overlord worth his six figures will tell you, real information is best kept under lock and key. And the key is best kept under the close supervision of a highly paid advisory committee, consisting of old white men.

So what is an evil corporate empire to do? The answer is Buzz Speak. This involves taking a piece of information, stripping out all the facts, and replacing them with useless fluff.

Before:

We are planning massive layoffs to free up enough cash for the CEO to buy that Lamborghini he’s been eyeing.

After:

As we continue to provide exceptional value to our clients and strive for excellence throughout all divisions, we will soon be unveiling an exciting new set of initiatives aimed at cutting cost and improving efficiency.

Before:

We made a huge profit in the last quarter, but Christmas bonuses will still consist of a five dollar McDonald's coupon.

After:

The last quarter was a successful one. We have exciting plans to invest revenue in technology infrastructure and business development. We are also excited to announce that we will continue our annual winter holiday bonus program again this year.

As you can see, not only is Buzz Speak useful as filler, it’s also a great tool for delivering bad news. If you take one sentence worth of bad news and fluff it up to a whole paragraph, your readers aren’t likely to get so upset. The time it takes them to finish reading should be sufficient for them to calm down from the realization that they’re now unemployed and their 401k is worth as much as a ball of belly button lint.