The Quarterly Oppressor: An Obedient Slag is a Happy Slag

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Tuesday January 30, 2018

Much like a dog or a small child, the dregs who haunt the cubicle foundation of a corporate empire need boundaries. Without a clear-cut set of rules and regulations to live by, your employees will float aimlessly from paycheck to paycheck. The usual dress codes, attendance policies, and so on, are a fine start, but you can’t stop there.

You should strive to create a set of guidelines for every possible task any of your employees could ever possibly undertake. This keeps the slags happy because it eliminates the need for them to think. (If you’ve hired someone who enjoys thinking, you’ve made a serious error. See Page 4 for more on this topic.) This set of guidelines should include even the most mundane of tasks. Proper posture, replacing staples, acceptable facial tissue usage, these are all fair game for a standard operating procedure.

It’s also a good idea to make up new tasks, just so you can increase your list of guidelines. You can have your workers create meaningless reports and fill out countless forms just to make sure they have a full day. If your workers are overwhelmed with paperwork, they won’t have time to dwell on their miserable station in life.

So have a blast. Take a whole day just to come up with a list of random tasks for your minions to complete. You’re the boss. You what else do you have to do?