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Guy Fawkes, What Have you Done to me?

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I was minding my own business When this woman made this Remark about toxic masculinity. I am not a special snowflake I take critique with no bellyache But found her words toxic with salinity. So I did what all good men must And fussed it was unjust To paint me with the brush of misogyny. It’s ...
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The Day the Love Bug Died

herbie dead

In the end, the lies peeled away like cheap, desiccated paint, flaking away to reveal the ugly truth. No one loved the Love Bug for his own sake. The truth was that people only loved him because he was a winner. Technology advanced too far for even his indomitable spirit to overcome and with every ...
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The Weasel Timeline


In April 2016 a weasel chewed into one of the electrical transformers of the Large Hadron Collider, causing a short circuit and shutting the machine down. What the Fake News won't tell you is that the weasel incident caused a rift throughout the multiverse. The walls that separated each reality ...
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A few high concepts for 4/20

pipe smoker

In honor of America’s favorite unsanctioned holiday, I figured I’d do a little free writing today. Disclaimer: No cannabis was harmed in the making of this blog post. I stopped by the Circle K this morning to pick up my morning breakfast of carbonated high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine. ...
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The Quarterly Oppressor: Mission Statement Mistakes

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Ever wonder what separates a real corporation from some schlub with a small business and a cheap lawyer? The answer is a mission statement. Nothing gives the impression of corporate power and prestige like a well-worded mission statement. But before you go grab a fresh Crayola and start spilling words ...
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I Thought the Nightmare Was Over but Then Someone Said Happy Holidays

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Now that Christmas 2017 is over, I feel like I can come to grips with what happened to me this year and tell my story. I went to my apartment’s leasing office a few days before Christmas to pick up a package from Amazon. Everything seemed normal. The office was festive enough, appropriately decorated ...
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