Tis I, the Malevolent Force Behind the Destruction of Your Childhood

Hello there “real” Star Wars fan.

Tis I, the malevolent Force behind the destruction of your childhood. You can call me Bob for short.

Don’t think I haven’t seen your angry reaction to The Last Jedi. I’ve seen your online petitions. I’ve read your angry rants. I’ve watched your YouTube pontifications. Above all, I’ve tasted the secret tears you cry late at night when you finally disconnect from the dopamine machine you keep in your pocket and find yourself alone with your thoughts.

Your tears are so yummy.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. There was a much better version of The Last Jedi that didn’t get produced. The script was written just for you. It was everything you could ever want out of a Star Wars film. I intervened and turned the movie into this thing that you hate instead. Why? Because I’m addicted to your tears.

Your yummy, yummy tears.

I just wanted to let you know that I’ll always be there for you. Whenever you feel frustrated that some films aren’t made especially for you, I’ll be there. When you disagree with the creative decisions of a filmmaker and they refuse to listen to the sage advice you freely dispense to your 67 Facebook friends, I’ll be there. When a movie you hate brings in 450 million dollars in just a few days and Disney laughs at your pitiful cries of protest from atop their mountain of money, I’ll be there.

I’ll be there to whisper in your ear that your version, the version made for “real” fans, would have easily cleared double the box office. It would have won all the Oscars. People would have worshiped it as a Holy Relic, final indisputable proof of the divine in glorious high definition 3D. As you lay in the fetal position, naked and weeping in your bathtub, filled with existential horror and intolerable grief for what might have been, I will be there.

And I will promise you this: I will keep ruining everything you love. Every franchise you grew up with, every movie you see through the rose-colored spectacles of nostalgia, I will ruin them all.

If I said I was sorry about this, I’d be lying. I’m really not sorry. Because your tears are just so yummy.