5 Mind-Blowing Spoilers For The Last Jedi

I don’t know what I expected out of The Last Jedi but it wasn’t this. Here are the top 10 things that blew my mind about the latest Star Wars movie, which I have not yet seen.

5: Wicket’s bloody revenge

If you think the Ewoks forgot all about the deaths on Endor at the end of Return of the Jedi, you’re mistaken. After the battle Wicket developed a serious case of PTSD and turned into a Punisher-style vigilante, traveling the galaxy killing bad guys. What this has to do with the larger storyline of The Last Jedi, I have no idea.

4: Supreme Leader Snoke is revealed to be a GNK power droid

snoke gnk
Ever since The Force Awakens debuted the Internet has been awash in wild fan theories about the true identity of Supreme Leader Snoke. No one expected this, probably because it doesn’t make any damn sense.

3: Yoda returns to castrate Harvey Weinstein

yoda harvey
How did Yoda come back from the dead? What is Harvey Weinstein doing in a galaxy far, far away? None of these questions are answered but watching Yoda cauterize Harvey’s testicles with his lightsaber somehow makes up for such sloppy writing.

2: Finn and Poe make sweet, sweet love

finn poe
In a bold move that I would not expect from a Disney movie, we’re treated to a full 15 minutes of hot, steamy fanfic inspired Finn on Poe action. I really don’t know how they maintained that PG-13 rating with that much dong on screen. This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fan service.”

1: Luke Skywalker eaten alive by a rabid mob of porgs

This is how you end a character that has been a cultural icon for my entire life? Really? Watching Luke Skywalker get eaten alive by a bunch of furry potato/chicken hybrids ruined my childhood. What’s worse is that the scene took up over a quarter of the movie’s runtime. 40 solid minutes of Luke just screaming in agony as hundreds of tiny potato/chicken teeth shred his flesh. Seemed excessive to me and that’s an awful lot of blood for a PG-13 film.