The Adventures of Cliven Hobo

I began this little experiment as a series on Medium. Then I discovered that Medium seems to think that only mobile users would want to read a series and anyone who prefers a desktop browser is just a troglodyte who doesn't read anyway. Since I don't think you're a troglodyte, I'm posting this here so you can read it.

I’m Cliven Hobo. I’m the patriarch of the Hobo clan. Don’t let the name fool you; we’re a proud family. We live off the land and don’t take handouts.

Some folk say if you’re poor in America you’re stuck poor. That’s just some negro talk though. They just want the gubmint to take care of them.

I don’t believe in no gubmint though. Who needs it? Look at me, I started out with nothing. Just a few acres of land I inherited, along with a house, a working ranch and a herd of cattle, that’s all I had.

Did I ever take off my 20 gallon hat and stick my lips out to suck on the gubmint tit? Hell no. We Hobos are self-sufficient.

All I ever wanted was to live in peace and raise my cattle on free land just like my family has done for generations.

The trouble all started years ago. I told the gubment I weren’t gonna pay them to let my cattle graze on so-called “public” land no more.

I figured that would settle it but they just kept say’n I had to pay. So I says, “I don’t respect your authority.”


20 years later the gubmint comes along and says I owe them a million dollars. Says they’re gonna take my cattle away if I don’t pay up.

I’m just a humble rancher. Yeah, I’ve made a lot of money off this free land but if I have to pay some of it to the gubmint, I won’t have as much.

That’s gubmint for you. Always punishing those who work hard and produce. Always taking our money away and giving it away to lazy minorities who weren’t smart enough to inherit a ranch and make millions from illegal activity.

I see myself as an American hero. I’m a lot like the Founding Fathers. Mostly the racist parts, but still.

So I says, “I ain’t a gonna pay no grazing fees” and I had my sons recruit a bunch of their friends on Facebook to bring their guns to my ranch protect my cattle from them gubmint goons.

The gubmint backed down. Or so I thought.

Next thing you know, I end up in jail, just because we staged an armed insurrection against the US gubmint.

I thought this were America! What good are my 2nd amendment rights worth if I can’t use them to overthrow the gubmint?

Now I’m a political prisoner!

But you haven’t heard the last of Cliven Hobo, no sir.

You can put me in jail, you can put my family in jail, but you can’t put freedom in jail. Freedom is free, just like hundreds of acres of public land should be.

But not for minorities. They need to earn it. Freedom isn’t free, after all.