Are you a good, hard-working American? Are you tired of your tax dollars paying for lazy people to play Xbox and eat lobster all day while you toil away in the coal mines that Obama shut down? Do you wish all these no-good leeches would either get a job or die? Congratulations, the politicians you elected in 2016 are going to grant your wish. Well, they’re going to try at least.

They’re starting by undoing the horrible Government Takeover™ of healthcare perpetuated by the Kenyan Communist and his Brownshirt friends. Finally, after nearly a decade, our healthcare will be returned to the tender, loving hands of the giant mega corporations where it belongs. You can rest well knowing that those damn welfare queens won’t be taking their six kids to the doctor on your dime anymore.

Will that mean some of those kids will die? Yeah, probably, but so what? They have so many of them, will they even notice? I doubt it. Besides, why should you have to pay for someone else’s healthcare? This is America, dammit. If those kids want medical care they can go get a job and earn it like everyone else. I hear the coal mines are supposed to be hiring again soon.

child labor — Look how healthy they look.

I encounter a lot of sophisticated conservative thinkers on Facebook and Twitter. Every day they enlighten me more and more about the true spirit of America. I’ve come to understand two immutable facts:

If you are poor, it is because of some defect in your character, most likely laziness
If you have some defect in your character, especially laziness, your life has no value

This is why the word “good” in conjunction with “hard-working” is so enshrined in the American lexicon. If you are not hard-working you are not good. With that in mind I have a few ideas for the Trump administration to pursue once this whole healthcare thing is wrapped up.

No More Lobster

Laziness is the number one cause of poverty. The number two cause is most certainly lobster. Poor people love lobster. It’s pretty much all they eat. Most poor people could afford things like healthcare if they would just try eating something else once in awhile. I mean do they even realize that McDonald’s just gives away free ketchup packets? Throw that on some ramen noodles and you’ve got a nice bowl of hobo pasta. I propose we regulate the way lobster is bought and sold, requiring proof of income to prevent people from eating above their station.

2506840919 29783abef9 b — Oh man, eating all that lobster makes me so sleepy. Photo credit: Matthew Woitunski.

No More Free Xbox

All poor people play Xbox. They used to buy them with those big, fat welfare checks they got every month. Then people started trading their free Obama phones for them. We’ve got to get rid of those damn Obama phones and make people earn their next-gen game consoles again.

We also need to recover all those ill gotten Xboxes poor people already possess. Entertainment is a privilege reserved for those who work. If you have enough time to play Xbox, you probably aren’t working hard enough to deserve to play Xbox. I suggest a special task force be created under the Department of Homeland Security to track down and repossess game consoles from poor people. This could be conducted under a new law called the Fugitive Xbox Act which would require citizens to inform the authorities of any known poor person in possession of an Xbox.

playmobil 1073902 1920 — WHERE IS YOUR GAMING CONSOLE? GIVE IT TO US NOW!

Build Labor Camps and More Prisons

Since poverty is the result of character defects, it makes sense that we remove as many poor people from civilized society as possible. We could just execute them, as they probably deserve, but this is America and we are a culture of life, which is why we blow up abortion clinics. But the poors are defective people. We clearly can’t just let them continue wandering the streets. So what can we do? Charles Dickens gave us the answer way back in 1843.

no prisons — Ebenezer Scrooge was one of the greatest economic thinkers of all time.

Nothing instills a solid work ethic more effectively than forced labor. That’s why prisons and labor camps are a sign of a healthy society. The more we build of both, the better off we will be.

These are just a few ideas to start. Once we understand that poverty is entirely caused by the poor, we can finally start to eliminate the problem. Together we take America back to a time when hard work was rewarded and laziness was not tolerated. Who’s with me?

Politics