It's Time to Privatize the Martian Slave Colony


Monday July 3, 2017

Big Government has a secret colony of slave children on Mars, according to a recent guest on the Alex Jones show. NASA made a feeble attempt at denying the existence of such a colony but Jones is the most credible source of news in America, trusted even by the President himself. The Martian slave colony is obviously real.

It’s not surprising that this was hidden from we the people. Nothing will spark public outrage quicker than another oppressive Big Government program. Our interstellar slave colonies should be managed by private industry, not Big Government. This is America, not China.

As a hard-working, patriotic American I was naturally watching the Alex Jones show when this news broke. Being the intrepid journalist I am, I immediately filed a Freedom of Information Request to obtain financial records of the slave colony. The numbers looked even worse than I expected.

The colony was founded in 2008 and started losing money right away. By 2016 it had lost over 2 trillion dollars, enough to buy a used car for every adult in America. Only Big Government could lose so much money while enjoying free labor.

Where did that money go? Obviously there are a lot of expenses involved in running a slave colony on Mars. Some expenditures did stand out more than others. Here are a few:

6 billion dollars for baby formula

Really? Anyone in private industry would have known to enslave a few wet nurses to keep costs down. Rookie mistake.

1 billion dollars for SpongeBob sippy cups

How much could have been saved just buying non-branded sippy cups? There’s no evidence to suggest that cartoon characters on sippy cups improve productivity. And what about just using hydration tubes? I guess that’s why I’m not working in Big Government. I’m just too innovative.

5 billion dollars for child-sized leg irons

Leg irons shouldn’t be necessary on any well run slave colony. A coordinated system of fear and discipline is enough to prevent 99% of escape attempts. The other 1% can be prevented by housing the slaves on a planet with no breathable atmosphere.

8 billion dollars for mind-control implants

What the what? Why do they need leg irons AND mind-control implants? Department of Redundancy Department, how may I help you?

All of these expenditures paint a picture of incompetence. Just like anything else the Big Government touches, spending on the martian colony is out of control. It’s time to return this venture to the hands of private industry where it belongs.