I Was Promised a Thousand Years of Darkness

Dear Customer Service,

Early last month I purchased your DIY Armageddon kit from Amazon. For a product that cost over one hundred dollars I expected much better results. The product description claimed it would bring about a thousand years of darkness beginning the morning of August 21st, 2017. The appointed time has come and gone yet the the sun still shines. Very disappointing.

I should have known something was amiss when I read the quickstart guide and discovered that I had to purchase the sacrificial animals required for the weekly rituals separately. Why weren’t those included? Do you know how hard it is to purchase live free-range chickens in the middle of a metropolitan city? It’s a little more hassle than running to Walmart to buy AA batteries. You should at least mention the additional cost in the product description.

On a side-note, if you want people outside of rural areas to use your product you should consider incorporating something like goldfish, small lizards or maybe rodents instead of chickens. Hiding half a dozen live chickens from my landlord and neighbors was nearly impossible. They make a lot of noise! If I had known about the chickens before ordering I probably would have looked for a different apocalyptical solution.

What frustrates me most is that after all that trouble the promised darkness only enshrouded a small portion of the Earth and didn’t last anywhere near a thousand years. I thought I must have done something wrong but I re-read the instructions and I know I followed them all to the letter. To. The. LETTER.


Right now I should be enjoying mint juleps on my balcony while I watch the panicked masses rioting in the streets below. Instead I’m spending my day trying to clean chicken guts out of my shag carpet because your kit didn’t even come with a good drop cloth. What a disaster.

I’ve already asked Amazon for a full refund but that will not cover the cost of the chickens or the possible replacement of my carpet. I want to know what you are going to do to rectify the situation. Since Amazon is already issuing a refund I’d be willing to accept 500 or even just 250 years of darkness. If that’s not possible, I’m open to suggestions.

I await your reply.