For many people the biggest obstacle to being a writer is all the writing involved. Writing can be hard, you have to think of things and then solidify those thoughts into words, sentences and sometimes even paragraphs. If you don’t do this the prevailing wisdom is that you are not a writer.
If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot.
If you do manage to complete these daunting tasks and achieve the coveted title of “writer” then you are contributing to the problem of our dwindling supply of things to say. This problem is a topic few in the writing community have had the courage to address. Who can blame them? Writers are a major part of that problem, myself included.
Fear not, for I have found a solution.
I know it sounds impossible but I have found the way. The secret is a little-known phenomenon those in the biz call “writer’s block.” With writer’s block, you can be a writer while avoiding almost all writing. Yes, you too can live the dream, without all that pesky effort. Order now and we'll also throw in a free spatula!
How does it work? The beauty of this technique lies in its simplicity. If you never bother to write anything you aren’t a writer but with writer’s block you are! With writer’s block you are temporarily unable to write but a writer nonetheless.
Here are a few tips to help you develop your own case of writer’s block.
1. Listen to your inner critic
Confidence is very bad for writer’s block and that belligerent little bastard knows it. You know that little voice in your head that tells you are shit and everything you write is shit? That is the voice of writer’s block helping your get rid of your confidence. The more you listen to it the stronger it will become. Once you’re convinced that nothing you write will ever have any value to anyone, you’ll be much less likely to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.
2. Wait for the ideal writing conditions
On those days when you find yourself opening your word processor, thinking you might actually write something, ask yourself if now is really the best time. Do you have at least 8 hours of guaranteed uninterrupted time? Is the lighting in the room just how you like it? Have you caught up with the latest episodes of all your favorite shows on Netflix? Remember that real writers can only work at a mahogany desk in the middle of the woods with a fire crackling in the background and the sound of a babbling brook outside. Or at the local coffee shop, since being seen writing is critical to the success of any writer.
3. Avoid Inspiration
Try not to read anything other than Facebook posts and maybe a few tweets. The idea is to avoid any writing that might remind you how much you enjoy a good turn of phrase. The backs of cereal boxes, Ikea catalogs or Stephenie Meyer novels may also be safe for this purpose. On second thought, Stephenie Meyer novels are a bad idea. Reading crap like that might give you the idea that any idiot can write a best-seller and before you know it you’ll be churning out words all over the place, maybe even whole sentences.
If you follow these simple steps you can develop a rock solid case of writer’s block in no time. Before you know it you’ll be a writer without the burden of actual writing.